Amanda (dementedscreams) wrote,
Amanda
dementedscreams

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Here I am

I am only two months away from getting my Bachelors Degree. I know I should look at this moment and be proud. However, with the economy the way it is, I'm just going to be unemployed and in debt like everyone else. But if I were to look far back on these journal entries I would see how far I truly have made it, and that does make me proud. It also makes me hopeful for the future and makes me realize that you really can tackle anything you put your mind to, and when it's all over it won't seem like it was that hard at all.

Aiden is getting so big. Motherhood is forever! He's four now and I keep thinking about how these are probably the best years. I want to cherish them forever. He cuddles with me and says sweet things. There are still so many things that are so new to him, yet now, you are able to explain them better to him. He truly is his own little person. He is starting to choose what he wants to wear now. We plan on moving his clothing rod further down in his closet so he can feel more independent. He's just the sweetest boy ever. I do get mad at him often, but the things he does, I don't believe, are deliberate. He's just curious and wants to know, and do things. He's figuring out schedules and where we go at certain times and who is going to be there. He's starting to want to have his friends over to his house. Which is so strange for me because I have to start being social with the other moms, setting up playdates and such. Valentines parties, and school field trips, new shoes and discovering things like toe jam, all these things I get to see him do. I am sad that there is going to come a time where I will not be as included anymore.

Next month, Scott and I will have been together for two years. It really seems like a long time. We have been arguing often, sometimes we get so emotional it seems as though our relationship is not going to last, but we keep pulling through. I think both of us aren't sure if the problems we are concerned about are actually anything at all, in comparison to the "big picture". Sometimes I worry that I am in the wrong place, but I have often worried that in the past, and now I see that it has gotten me where I am. I'm a strong believer that everything happens for a reason, however, that doesn't make fights, uncertainty, longing or questioning any easier, when it is 'in the heat of the moment'.

The economy is pretty shitty right now. My dad has been laid off for about six months now. He's pretty bummed about it but he has been coping well, most of the time. My mom is having numerous health problems. I always thought about myself getting older, and what it would be like to have kids and would I still be 'cool' and what kind of house would I live and what would the future hold, but I didn't really think about my parents getting old and having health problems or losing their jobs and not being able to retire. That part of my future makes me sad. I think about when and if my grandma or my parents die before me and how I'm going to handle and how strange life will seem after that. I, like many others, don't care for death very much and the more I think about it, I don't care too much about getting old either. I always said that I would be proud to get gray hair and I would love myself not matter how wrinkly I got, but now as I see freckles and moles popping up where they have never been before, I've been thinking twice about what I have always said.

Blah blah blah, I've really gotten on a tangent. I just haven't written in here in a long time, and it's basically just for my own records. I need to print these out, I would be very sad if this site closed down and I couldn't get to my journal entries.

Wearing: black polyester pants, brown and black checkered jacket with a black tank top underneath, glasses, nose ring, turtle ring, amber rind, Irish ring, streaks in hair.

Doing before this: studying for a midterm in my communities class.

Last ate: a banana, chocolate pudding and angel food cake.

Where am I: sitting in my living room.

Listening to: the turtle tank filter pour water out.

Aiden is: sleeping in bed.

Scott is: playing world of warcraft

I just got a new phone today.
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