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almost "there" [28 Feb 2012|11:20pm]
I never thought that I would be typing on the same journal websitethis loong. I like that it is my little secret. I started writing on here when everyone used dial up internet. AOL days! Now I am laying in bed typig with a wireless keyboard onto my touch screen mini coputer. Wierd. I wonder when we will have cars that drive themselves. I drive so much. My internship is in Farmington and then school is in Bloomington. Good thing the school decided to not make us come as much. Thursdays were being to be waaay too much. I would wake up in the morning, get myself ready, get aiden ready, drive hime to latch key, drive to farmington, drive back to get aiden and drop him off at my moms house, then drive to class in Bloomingotn and then drive back to get aiden and then finally home.

Only three more months left of school and I will be a Master of Social Work. The cirlce of life is very interesting. I like being an adult. I like that I have "made something of myself". I am proud of who I have become. I have had enough life experience that I can be calm in the liklihood that even if things are really shitty now, they can always get better and have everytime so far. It's hard to get others to see that. I don't think that you can get people to realize that. I think you just have to be their support while they find their own way.

I am loving the profession that I have chosen. I love helping my kids. I love helping my teachers. I have been doing one student's hair. I have done it twice now. She is a young black girl, her mother is white and does not know how to (or care to) do her hair. I have always been curious and fasinated with aftrican american hair so I jumped at the chance to help her. I put twists in her hair today. She is supposed to sleep on them tonight and then we are going to take them out in the morning. I hope that they turn out good. I have never done them before. I hope that she thinks to take her silk cap off before she comes to school.

btw. kyle is no more. that didn't take long,, thank goodness!
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Change [27 Nov 2011|12:13pm]
[ mood | cold ]

Well it's getting closer to my last semester of school. Not quite there yet but pretty close. I have been having a really hard time paying the bills. Mostly because this duplex is so damn expensive. $700 a month! I had to borrow money from my grandma again. My dad hinting about me getting another apartment by saying, "Do you think you'll be in the same place by then." (referring to Aiden attending Bolin school next year.)
I really want to be here then. I don't want to move again until I am buying a house really. I noticed accumulated dusk on my mirror the other day and smiled because I had been in a place long enough to collect that must dust on something :)

Kyle said that he is coming back. That makes me so happy but sad because it will be a few months at least before he is able to come up with enough money to fly him and his belongings all the way back here. I wrote him an email telling him all of my doubts and worries and plans. I also told him that Aiden and I cannot stand to lose another male figure in our lives.
He wrote me back every comforting word I needed to here plus some. He included that he is more than willing to be a daddy figure for Aiden, felt he already was doing that some, and said, "You know I love Aiden too."
How can it get any better than that right?

This will be the fourth serious relationship I have given a go. Looking back at the others I can see what was wrong and laugh at some of it because I can't believe I was so stupid. I guess that's what growing up is all about. Now I wonder, will I have to look back at this relationship and think, "How could I have been so stupid?"

I know I am at the age where my main focus is a relationship. Thinking about a wedding, buying a house and all that "dreamy" stuff. Truth is, it's not all about the love part. It's more about the fact that life is hard to live on your own. To take care of everything yourself. A house, bills, children, pets, cars. I have to clean out the garage today so that I can park in it for the winter. The things that are in the garage are going to have to go to the basement. Which means I will then have to clean the basement and while I am down there I need to do laundry so that I there are clothes for the start of the week. It would be so much nicer to have Kyle here with me to help out. To work as a team. We do that really well. He is really good at getting things done and so am I as long as I have someone to cheer me on along the way.

Well on that note. I'm off to clean the garage. It's really really cold outside 37 degrees F

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Brief [16 Mar 2011|09:12pm]
So I'm pretty sure that Aiden has Asperger's syndrome. They are going to test him further at school. As much as I don't want my son to have some "disability" for the rest of his life, it will be wonderful for him to get the help that he needs at school.
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care for all [26 Feb 2011|12:22am]
Why is it that I keep wanting a relationship. Even when I don't want one at all it comes my way. It's always complicated. It ends up making me hurt and sad and frustrated. Why can't I shut my fucking emotions off? Why do I give a shit? Why do I want to be loved, understood, respected, adored. What's the fucking reason!? I feel like I am the only one getting hurt in the process but maybe that's because I can only feel what I feel and others are fucking retarded when it comes to sharing their feelings. Why is that? Why can't people express their feelings the way that I do. I never know whats going on in other people's heads. . . I don't know. . . they always say I don't know. Well fucking figure it out. There a gazillion words to choose from. Try some of them and if you're wrong, try some different words.

How do I get myself in fucked up situations? Why don't I see it coming? It's only when I perceive the situation as being fucked up in the first place that it doesn't hurt.

Lay there, just lay there oblivious to what is going on. Sleep soundly and enjoy your fucking weekend!!!
I'll just be here, waiting, pathetically, thinking about you and how sad I am.

I wiped my tears so that you couldn't see them. You asked to see them but I hid them. Who's hiding their feelings now. . . hypocrite. There needs to be another word for a person who is being a hypocrite but is totally aware that they are being so.

Time to up the meds. The real world has become too much to handle. All the stupid standards of what one is supposed to do. Go to school (for worthless degrees) go to work (to buy shit you don't really need but somehow brings you temporary happiness). Love only one, and deal with a broken heart again and again as you are going against human nature, the cultural says monogamy but biology say polyamor.

He's down there, and I am up here. Choosing to be miserable. I'm choosing this. Make your feelings different damnit!
You teach this shit!
Figure it out!
Embrace life. . . . . you can't make or force the future so grab what you have now and hug it and love it and appreciate it. Don't confuse it and belittle it and toy with it. Care for it and enjoy the care it gives to you.
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Life sucks ass right now. [09 Oct 2010|12:49am]
Aiden has gotten in trouble, three times now for cursing at school.

Jesse continues to slack on his parental responsibilities and make things more complicated for me than they already are.

I have no motivation to do school work and I got a D on my last paper.

Mike won't return my calls and hasn't given me the money he said he would to help me out with the bills he left me with.

I can't afford the place I'm staying and I need to move with in two months. I have not money for first months rent or a down payment.

Fuck this shit!

Subject: Life is beautiful

My boy is getting big and loves me everyday. I get hugs and kisses all the time.

Jesse has been hanging out with me a few times and still pays child supports and takes Aiden at least twice a month.

My relationship with Mike ended before marriage or a kid. I have a fresh start and am one less guy away from finding my husband.

I have family and friends that will be sure to help Aiden and I out in any way they can.

There are apartments right next to his school that are less than what I'm paying currently.

Life is good.
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Yes i am alone again. [09 Sep 2010|10:05am]
Mike left. "too much too soon." understood. oops. thanks for not telling me this long. me and aiden again. here we go.
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School, Mike and Aiden and grown up life [25 Jul 2010|12:27am]
So I'm in the Master's Program now. I'm in my second class now and doing very well. I got a B in a my first class but this second class I'm sure to get an A.
Mikey and I are still going strong, yet we have a lack of communication at times. One of us will assume the other is mad and then it's a vicious circle.
Sometimes I feel like we don't have a lot to talk about. We have all that new and excited "getting to know you" conversation finished to the fullest extent.
We are living the life of a married couple but we are not yet married.
I think things are going well over all. There are no real conflicts, just misunderstandings.
Aiden is getting bigger everyday and presenting me with things I don't know how to handle. I made an appointment for him to see a counselor because he gets upset with himself and will harm himself by hitting and pinching. He also will talk down to himself, calling himself a loser.
Half of me believes it is attention seeking, however, I work with children that have tried to kill themselves at 8 years old and I worry that when he starts facing the stress of peer relationships that he won't be able to handle it well.
I worry that he has not dealt with stressors in his life such as moving often and having three different father figures with in six years.
On a lighter note. We are planning him a huge birthday party bash. We are going to turn the garage into a batcave and the living room into gotham city. It's a costume party and it should be awesome. However, it's going to be a lot of work to decorate and put together but I'm excited to see him excited.
I guess that's really it.
That's what I've been up to.
I'll forget about this place for awhile and then come back to write when I remember that I even have this outlet to vent.
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Update [20 Apr 2010|09:35pm]
I have been living with Mike for about four or five months now. I love the place that we are renting. It's spacious and makes me feel like I have really made something of myself. Part of that is the way Mike makes me feel as well. He is so damn sweet to me, it's ridiculous. I never thought that I would have something like this. I'm sure things will change a bit and we will have our challenges, but I had a warped view of how a relationship was supposed to work and I am pleasantly surprised to be wrong.
Aiden is in kindergarten now and he is not doing so well. He is behind and I am finding it hard to work with him at home when I have been working all week. I worry that is not going to be up to par but then I feel like he is having too much pressure put on him and he will learn and grow at his own pace. However, there has been consistent concerns about his muscle development and it is quite apparent that he lacks the tone he should have acquired at this age. I don't know. I really don't know what to do.
I have enrolled him in karate and he really has enjoyed it so far. He gets better every time he goes.
I will be starting school in less than a month. I just typed that and it made my stomach go all woosy. I'm glad that I will finally be starting my master's program, I will be happier when it is all done :)
Okay that is my update. Tada! Bye.
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Mike [04 Jan 2010|09:53pm]
I'm with Mike, we are renting a duplex. I'll will write more about it later. Or if I don't I will at least have this landmark noted :)
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Graduation [27 Apr 2009|08:19am]
I have less than two weeks until I graduate. I have a final and a paper due withing that time. I am not doing any of it. I'm such a procrastinator. I guess I work well under pressure.
I know I'll get it done. I'll stress myself doing it but that's how it works best.
Scott and I have been doing very well lately. A few bickerments here and there but nothing major. I feel that we are understanding each other and the whole idea of relationships better.
My parents have got me thinking about marriage.
I know I have thought it to be an unnecessary event in the past. During my anti-everything that everyone else does phase or whatever.
However, I think it is something I would like in some shape or form. It would be fun to plan a party and gathering in honor of our commitment to each other.
However, I've seen so many people breaking up around me. People that I thought would last forever.
I used to say that people change and that's all there is to it. I still believe that.
However, I hate spending a big chunk of my life with someone only to throw those memories away.
I think that Scott may not be EVERYTHING that I want, but how the fuck do I know what I want?
I think we always want more.
He's kind, he's sweet, he loves me, he's motivated, hes talented, he loves nature, he dreams of simpler times.
I don't know.
I'll write more later.
I just wanted to write something and that's what's on my mind.
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New tattoo [29 Mar 2009|11:57am]
I just got a new tattoo. A friend paid for it, for my birthday present. I had a hard time thinking about what I wanted to get. I know the things I need finished on my back, however, that would be above the price limit. So I had to think of something else, something smaller, but yet still something meaningful. I was telling my mom that I was going to get another tattoo. She immediately became irritating saying, "where are you going to put it!". I began to joke with her, telling her that I was going to get a sailor tattoo, the mom one. Her stance and attitude immediately changed, as she stated, "well that would be okay." I knew then, that is what I would be getting. She was actually very flattered that I got a tattoo for her. I am glad that I got something meaningful to me and someone else.
However, during the process of decided what I was going to get, and still now, as I look at this new fresh permanent ink, I feel I am over the tattooing process. I don't know if I am for sure. My thoughts are that it is just my earthly body and will be left behind, so I should do whatever the hell I want to it. However, It's like having a hairstyles that you can never change. I don't know. I know I'll get more, because I can't imagine going my whole life without coming up with something else that I want, who gives a shit anyway.
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Here I am [04 Mar 2009|12:25am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

I am only two months away from getting my Bachelors Degree. I know I should look at this moment and be proud. However, with the economy the way it is, I'm just going to be unemployed and in debt like everyone else. But if I were to look far back on these journal entries I would see how far I truly have made it, and that does make me proud. It also makes me hopeful for the future and makes me realize that you really can tackle anything you put your mind to, and when it's all over it won't seem like it was that hard at all.

Aiden is getting so big. Motherhood is forever! He's four now and I keep thinking about how these are probably the best years. I want to cherish them forever. He cuddles with me and says sweet things. There are still so many things that are so new to him, yet now, you are able to explain them better to him. He truly is his own little person. He is starting to choose what he wants to wear now. We plan on moving his clothing rod further down in his closet so he can feel more independent. He's just the sweetest boy ever. I do get mad at him often, but the things he does, I don't believe, are deliberate. He's just curious and wants to know, and do things. He's figuring out schedules and where we go at certain times and who is going to be there. He's starting to want to have his friends over to his house. Which is so strange for me because I have to start being social with the other moms, setting up playdates and such. Valentines parties, and school field trips, new shoes and discovering things like toe jam, all these things I get to see him do. I am sad that there is going to come a time where I will not be as included anymore.

Next month, Scott and I will have been together for two years. It really seems like a long time. We have been arguing often, sometimes we get so emotional it seems as though our relationship is not going to last, but we keep pulling through. I think both of us aren't sure if the problems we are concerned about are actually anything at all, in comparison to the "big picture". Sometimes I worry that I am in the wrong place, but I have often worried that in the past, and now I see that it has gotten me where I am. I'm a strong believer that everything happens for a reason, however, that doesn't make fights, uncertainty, longing or questioning any easier, when it is 'in the heat of the moment'.

The economy is pretty shitty right now. My dad has been laid off for about six months now. He's pretty bummed about it but he has been coping well, most of the time. My mom is having numerous health problems. I always thought about myself getting older, and what it would be like to have kids and would I still be 'cool' and what kind of house would I live and what would the future hold, but I didn't really think about my parents getting old and having health problems or losing their jobs and not being able to retire. That part of my future makes me sad. I think about when and if my grandma or my parents die before me and how I'm going to handle and how strange life will seem after that. I, like many others, don't care for death very much and the more I think about it, I don't care too much about getting old either. I always said that I would be proud to get gray hair and I would love myself not matter how wrinkly I got, but now as I see freckles and moles popping up where they have never been before, I've been thinking twice about what I have always said.

Blah blah blah, I've really gotten on a tangent. I just haven't written in here in a long time, and it's basically just for my own records. I need to print these out, I would be very sad if this site closed down and I couldn't get to my journal entries.

Wearing: black polyester pants, brown and black checkered jacket with a black tank top underneath, glasses, nose ring, turtle ring, amber rind, Irish ring, streaks in hair.

Doing before this: studying for a midterm in my communities class.

Last ate: a banana, chocolate pudding and angel food cake.

Where am I: sitting in my living room.

Listening to: the turtle tank filter pour water out.

Aiden is: sleeping in bed.

Scott is: playing world of warcraft

I just got a new phone today.

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I'm going to have to let you go. [08 Jul 2008|02:33pm]
[ mood | sad ]

Another one of those sugar coated term. Euphemism, that's the word right? He's not firing me. No no no, he's "letting me go". Like I had requested to be set free or some shit. I didn't think that I would get so upset over this, but it definitely made me cry immediately. I strive to do so well, and I feel like I always fall short. Of course, this was just a summer job but what if I suck at the actual "important" jobs?!
It's frustrating to me because although I could think 'oh i get some time off'. I don't do that. I think Scott is already paying for everything and now he is going to have to pay for even more.
He's such a sweetheart though. He sent me a text *he had to leave for work right in the middle of my meltdown* . . .the text said. . ."I'm still proud of you for following your heart. Fuck them if they don't see it. Just enjoy your time off".

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The sun is shining. [09 May 2008|06:51pm]
I'm am officially done with this semester and glad to be. I thought I was about to go crazy. It doesn't really stop there though. I have less than a week to move out of my apartment and then I have to find a job.
I'm just glad to have time to do stuff.
Scott bought an iPod today and I'm downloading our cds onto it. I'm pretty excited to have it. I think it'll be nice to have all of our music with us conveniently.
I'm going to have time to put the house together with all of my stuff in it!!! We need to get the pool cleaned soon as well. Summer is upon us and I am happy happy happy.
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Writer's Block: Cinco de Mayo [05 May 2008|02:34pm]
Are you celebrating Cinco de Mayo?

Nope I'm not I'm too busy with school stuff and mommyhood.
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Internship [05 May 2008|02:15pm]
So I have to do an internship all throughout next year. I applied at two different ones. The first one was the Children's Home *(which was the one I really wanted)*. The second one that I applied at was Methodist 6w *(which is the replacement unit for Zellers)*. I was okay with either one except for I had done my volunteer work at methodist on a different floor.
I left unsatisfied, but that was mainly with the nursing staff.
Well I didn't get the Children's Home. I've never been in a situation where you are hoping for a certain position in such a way. It's like seeing if you've landed the part in a play that you wanted. It doesn't feel good when you don't get the part that you wanted. Of course there is nothing I can do about it.
Now I'm waiting to see if they are still offering me the internship at Methodist. I will feel really stupid if I don't get that one, because I knew that I had it offered to me but I wanted to see if the Children's Home would take me.

Fingers crossed *(whatever good that does)*
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[20 Apr 2008|09:50pm]
It can be so easy to complain and moan, and think about everything that you wish you had. I do it ALOT.
Then I sit here and realize (like I have many times before) I have it so good. A son to watch growing, a companion to give me support.
I have a hectic life. Some days I just know how I'm going to do it. Then I realize that I have a car to get me around, family for me to seek, a home to live in, and more than enough food to eat.
I wish I could permanently place this realization in front of any other reactions I may have.
If you could always remember how lucky you really are then, I believe, life would be easier.

Then you get into the larger picture. Things going on that you know about but have minimal power in controlling.
A wider perspective can cause both comfort and alarm.
Strange huh?
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X-mas [03 Dec 2007|09:14pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

I have no money to buy Christmas presents. I have no money to buy stuff to make Christmas presents.

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Cyber life means more than it should. [03 Dec 2007|01:25am]
[ mood | pleased ]

I feel dumb, but it was actually a really huge step to delete some of the people I just did off myspace.
The things is I don't know a lot of them anymore, and it only causes me grief seeing what they are doing, and knowing that I can never be a part of that anymore.

I need to move on with my life, and embrace what I have now, and quick mulling over the past.
I'm excited to meet new people just as much as I am to have some old friends still around.

It's time to stop trying to find the pieces of what I thought I had lost, and put together the pieces that I have.

Today is a new day.

And a very late one as well.
Get to bed Amanda.

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[02 May 2007|12:35pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

I am highly irritated. I have so much stuff for school to do and not enough time to do it right. My house is the messiest that it's every been and I can't afford to do anything with it. I have no clean clothes.
I was sitting here studying but there is a table of middle aged women sitting next to me talking extremely loud about their medications and diarreha (sp?).

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